Graveside Visitation Ideas
Jill Darby 
Visiting the gravesite of a loved one can evoke a lot of thoughts and emotions. Oftentimes, spending time at a special person’s final resting place can provide solace and a sense of closeness to that person. For some, the idea of visiting a grave may cause some apprehension since they don’t know what feelings may arise during the visit.
My father passed away in December of 2011 and the first time I visited his grave I remember thinking, “What do I do now that I am here?” I knew that visitors often left flowers on their loved one’s graves; however, my dad was unlike most people and didn’t particularly care for flowers. Hence, I was at a loss for what to do and felt a little empty inside upon leaving the cemetery. If you find yourself in a similar situation, hopefully this blog will give you some graveside visitation ideas to make your time more impactful.
When to Visit
Public cemeteries are open daily making it convenient for guests to spend time at a loved one’s grave. There is no “rule” as to when or how often family members and friends should visit a gravesite, but there are certain days that are more popular.
- Anniversaries of marriage, birth and death
- Traditional holidays: Valentine’s Day, Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas
- Memorial Day and Veterans Day
- Mother’s Day and Father’s Day
- Yom Kippur and Rosh HaShanah
What to Do During Your Visit
Many possibilities exist as to what you can do when visiting a grave and there is no right or wrong choice. The most important thing is that you are paying tribute to a loved one in a manner that is meaningful to you.
Decorate the Grave
Flowers are the most common decorations found on graves. A simple, single flower or something more substantial such as a floral arrangement or wreath can be used to decorate a grave. Many times visitors place their loved one’s favorite flower or plant on the grave. Or, they may leave behind a flower or plant based on its symbolic meaning.
- Calla lily: faith, purity, and holiness
- Carnation: love and affection
- Daisy: innocence, purity, and happiness
- Fern: sincerity and humility
- Hydrangea: honesty and gratitude, amends and understanding
- Lily: purity and beauty
- Red rose: love and affection
- Tulip: confidence, affection, and enduring love
- Yellow rose: friendship and gratitude
- Zinnia: friendship, remembrance, and goodness
Family and friends often decorate graves around the holidays. You will see a lot of lily arrangements and floral crosses around Easter. On Memorial Day and Veterans Day, small American flags and patriotic flowers are regularly seen on the graves of those who served our country. Grave blankets, which are woven evergreen arrangements that are laid out over a grave space, are popular during the winter holidays.
Sometimes decorations including small flags, wind chimes, and mementos such as miniature statues and figurines are placed on graves. Children’s graves are often decorated with stuffed animals, small toys and bright, colorful flowers.
If you are planning to decorate the final resting place of a spouse, family member or friend, be sure to familiarize yourself with the cemetery rules. Items that are not typically allowed include lights, large banners or flags, glass vases, and fences. In memorial parks, where grave memorials are flush to the ground, artificial flowers may not be permitted during mowing season.
Leave Behind a Coin
When visiting a cemetery, you may have seen coins on graves and wondered what they represented.
As part of military tradition, coins are placed on a soldier’s marker to let family members know their loved one’s grave had been visited. Pennies are placed if you didn’t know the deceased, but want to express appreciation for their service. A nickel signifies you attended boot camp with the person who passed away, while a dime means you served with the deceased. Lastly, a quarter represents you served with the deceased and were with him or her when they died.
Visitors to Benjamin Franklin’s grave have been tossing pennies on his grave for decades. The practice can be attributed to Franklin’s well known quote, “A penny saved is a penny earned.” and is thought to bring good luck to coin-tossers. Through the years this tradition has expanded. Family and friends have begun leaving pennies on their loved one’s graves as a way to pay respects and wish them good luck in their afterlife.
Coins are also sometimes left at graves as an alternative to flowers and other decorations; which can be costly. This practice represents the importance of honoring the dead and is especially popular in certain parts of Latin America.
Have a Picnic
You may choose to have a picnic at your loved one’s grave. It might be nice to have the person you have lost’s favorite drink, dish, or dessert. You could make it a social occasion and take along another family member or friend for company. Another idea is to bring along a book to read to yourself or out loud to your loved one. You could read your loved one’s favorite book or a book you think he or she would have enjoyed.
Many cemeteries have features such as benches, picnic tables and gazebos. Having a place to sit near a loved one’s grave can make the visit more comfortable, especially for older individuals who may not be very mobile.
Clean the Gravesite Area and Marker
Most cemetery grounds are well maintained, regularly mowed and attractively landscaped in common areas. However, you may visit a grave and want to do some basic clean up around the marker. Picking up leaves, pulling any weeds and edging the grass can enhance the appearance of the grave space. For some, taking care of a spouse, family member or friend’s final resting place can be therapeutic.
You may notice your loved one’s marker is dirty or has lost its shine over the years. Most markers can be cleaned with water and a mild detergent such as Ivory or Dove. For best results, use a soft, lint free cloth. Brushes, especially those with coarse bristles, can scratch a marker and shouldn’t be used. A thin layer of wax that doesn’t contain any harsh chemicals can be applied to act as a barrier from the elements. Cleaning a bronze marker can be more intricate than cleaning markers made of other materials and may require additional steps to get the desired results.
Talk with Your Loved One
We all wish we could talk with someone we love who passed away just one more time. Visiting a grave and speaking to your loved one can be a way to help fulfill this yearning. You might take the opportunity to tell your loved one something you didn’t get a chance to before he/she passed away. You can tell them how much you miss them or share what is happening in your life and the lives of others. Talking with your loved one can help reconnect you to the special person in your life you have lost.
Have a Remembrance Ceremony
Some family and friends may choose to have a modified memorial service at a gravesite. These gatherings generally take place around the anniversary of a loved one’s birth or death and can be either formal or informal. Oftentimes, memories are shared, scripture is read or a poem is recited.
Gatherings can even take the form of a celebration. Cheerful music can be played, funny stories can be told or a toast can be made in honor of the person who has passed.
Social Media Post
Creating a social media post and sharing it with family members and friends is another, more modern way to commemorate your loved one. A picture of your loved one’s gravesite along with a special tribute will surely be appreciated by those who knew the deceased. Social media posts are also a great way for those who live far away or aren’t able to physically go to the cemetery to see that special someone’s final resting place.
Cherishing the Moment
At first, visiting a loved one’s grave can be difficult, but over time it can be a joyful time of reflection. It can also play an instrumental part of the grieving process. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, respected grief expert, author, and counselor, explains, “I have learned we cannot go around the pain of our grief. Instead, we must learn to embrace and express it. This is hard but absolutely necessary work.” As you mourn the loss of a loved one, think about the positive impact a visit to the cemetery can have on your emotional well being.
Looking back at my first visit to my father’s grave the saying, “I wish I knew then what I know now.” is certainly appropriate. Shortly after my father passed away, I came to work for the Darby families businesses and my office is located in our cemetery. Throughout the years, I have witnessed families honoring their loved ones in many special ways and now know the possibilities of what you can do when visiting a cemetery are practically limitless.
It’s important to know you don’t have to have a specific plan when visiting a loved one’s final resting place. You can simply spend some quiet time at the grave allowing yourself to be in the present moment letting your thoughts flow freely. No matter how you choose to spend the time during your visit, you will hopefully be able to reconnect with the past in a way that enables your loved one’s memory to stay alive and strong.
Jill Darby
Jill is a member of the Marketing Team and copywriter for Trigard Memorials and all affiliated Greenwood Inc. companies. She grew up in the funeral industry, as her family owned funeral homes in the Midwest. After graduating from Miami University, Ohio in 2003 with a Bachelor’s degree in Business, Jill worked in sales and customer relations for a global funeral product manufacturer. Her experience also includes merchandising, cemetery operations, and aftercare. Jill and her husband, Rich enjoy spending time with family, traveling, watching college basketball, and spoiling their 5 grandchildren.
really enjoyed the article!
Thanks Jeff!
It was a pleasure reading
We’re glad you enjoyed it, Atam!